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[TDKshorty]

Quote

You left for the circus and I fell in with snakes; 12

poisonous band its, whose many lives they would take. 12

While you fell for the Spainiard who swung the trapeze

The western winds pushed me, a cross bloody seas; 12

a horse mouthed man, lack ing in teeth,

from a child ish tongue I'd fol low his lead

This is something I've been working on... nothings coming to me, lol. I really, really, really like the first two lines, I think they really flow and it's just a perfect line for me.

I guess this is my first foray into story telling through poem, I'm trying to pull a Dylan haha.

I'm just looking for a lesson I guess... there are certain questions I have

Just the order of my words... the line that ends in trapeze was originally the last line so far, but I chronologically I added the part about following the lead of the horse mouthed man last.

I first had stanzas of 11 and 12, but for now I'm sticking with twelve, but I've found myself adding words like "and" "the"
I think I can do better

So I'm having trouble fitting the story into stanzas and using appropriate words and getting each line to flow to the next one, sort of inner rhyme.

Like the first two lines are perfect and you can kinda get some ryhme out of "horse mouthed man" and "the western winds", but it's not good enough for me

Quote

You left for the circus and I fell in with snakes; 12

poisonous band its, whose many lives they would take. 12

The western winds pushed me, a cross bloody seas; 12

a horse mouthed man, lack ing in teeth,

from a child ish tongue I'd fol low his lead

While you fell for the Spainiard who swung the trapeze

This would be an original, and I guess it flows a bit better, but I just don't know how to write really... in a meter with stanzas and perimeters.

I guess some thoughts and critiques would be well appreciated

Note- I'm also looking to make a few connections between "seas" and the next two lines about the horse mouthed man, which we'll refer to as "captain", it feels abrupt.

So there are obviously gaps in story, but lets just go with it, lol

Thanks

[TDKshorty]

No one could love her 
No significant other 
No significance 
None other 
Than Substance 
Which isn't much 
But she couldn't do much better 
Until it gets lower 
Till I let go of her 
Full of pride 
And snide remarks 
Empty fuel tank 
Stalled in park 
Still not enough to make you think 
Or make you start 
Start living for all the right reasons 
Finding your maladies and getting treament 
Treating yesterdays trash like treasons Tossing em out without spite 
And serving a new dish with the spice of life

New poem, actually its old, from like December 10

[TDKshorty]

That's a concept that I don get/yet/it just defines the rhythms and the rhymes: loosely: but truthfully they're just beats-that keep your feet deep in: sleep/and dreaming/and scheming/ and dancing/and dreaming of romancing (the best thing, since the dress sang and played chords of grace; three string bass) and wearing and tearing- a new face: reform and replace/new face/new shoes/new grooves and new ways.

[TDKshorty]

an improvised poem I wrote after breaking up with my girlfriend

Quote

singing songs
of love lost
and lust laid
and dreams spent
and tucked away
too quick
to get paid
but not paid back
with a smile
which, in a while
turns to a laugh

which snorts and distorts
at your contortions
and packs up your things
stacking them neatly by the door
while you stand in the rain
with so much to say
but you'll just sway and waive it off
with two puffs and a cough
she just thought she ought
to let you know
before you go
that never lasts forever

always
but even moreso on days

when you're bummed out in the basement
hiding in your sweater
from the regrets and the resent
that got the better
of you
one and one is two
not three

between you and me
was a space that should never be
and i filled that gap
one night, blinked twice
a mishap
that happens again and again
to young to think you can't sin
but then again you get caught up in
things that should never begin
then you reconsider
the purpose of it all
where what once was
will never be
she just thought she ought
to make you see
that never lasts forever